Looking Like Your Mother

Pattie Boyd Book

George Harrison's ex wife who left him for Eric Clapton, has written a book about the love triangle. There is a clip in this Daily Mail site. It's amazing, she looks so calm and charming so many decades later in her unretouched skin.

Ahhhh, Deadlines Met

My arms ache after meeting deadline. So much photoshop and typing and surfing and driving and swearing at programs that freeze. My neck aches, too, and spelling and grammar (barely constituents on a good day) have left the building. I look for whatever wine exists in the back of the fridge, hoping against odds it hasn't turned to vinegar yet.

XM Satelite Radio

You know you have been out of town a long time when the XM Radio Comedy station routines are new.

Mostly I listen to XM channels 150 - 154, which includes a channel that features Canadian comedians and another for National Lampoon skits, to learn more about men. Because I am not so invited into the locker room and am not likely to survive long on an ice fishing trip, I try to get some insight from stand up routines. A guy rarely wants to share so much one on one, but give him a mic and an audience . . .

The Britney Gift That Keeps on Giving

It isn't often that an editor or a publicist gets such a present. All they have to do is go to the Britney Spears official website, print her open letter to all her fans, and hand out a copy to every writer that the editor has to red line or the next big whomever the publicist is responsible for. As they hand it out, they should say, "See? Do you see? This is why people like me exist. People like me exist to save people like you from yourselves."

What Britney said:  "It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth."
Publicist's response:  "No, Britney is not saying that she is a liar."

What Britney said: "I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.
Publicist's response: "Britney has no plans on meeting him...or her...anytime soon."

What Britney said: "I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy."
Publicist's response: "Britney's sons take late naps and it is not too crazy and surreal for them. The boys are under the watchful eye of well trained nannies 24/7."

What Britney said: "It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."
Publicist's response: Britney is not saying that all women who have their own opinions are "bitches." She's saying that other people think that way. 

What Britney said:  "I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. . . .I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes every day"
Publicist's response:  "Britney now wishes to make all her own decisions without professional assistance because she believes that making mistakes will bring out of her the knowledge that is already buried deep within." 

What Britney said: "I was beginning to use my brain for a change."
Publicist's response: "She is such a kidder. Britney has definitely used her brain before."

What Britney said: "I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce."
Publicist's response: "She did not mean to suggest that divorces involving smaller marital estates or older wives weren't deserving of sympathy, or actually more the 'norm'."

What Britney said:
"Quote of the month...
It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You’'re not being true to yourself if you succumb to others' opinions because you feel guilty."
Publicist's response: "Unfortunately, Britney's busy recording schedule will not allow her to do this every month."

What I Learned From Maxim This Month

Bijou Phillips likes to "just write by myself, no phone, no TV, no music, nothing." She is skipping the club scene to write and write and write 'til dawn. OMG, we are practically twins, except for the body, the skin, the face, the being famous part.

What is the secret to writing until your neck is breaking, while keeping keeping hips and thighs trim, eh? Maybe her Doritos are fat free.

Things That Begin with the Letter H

I haven't watched much television in the past few years. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with 300 stations and an aversion to buying the TV Guide in the check out line because it looks too much like Readers Digest?

Then came House. I'm not sure if it's because of Hugh Laurie, or needing to see what Lisa Edelstein is wearing each week, or my pre-occupation with self diagnosis and believing in zebras, not horses, but I'm hooked. Everyone in the house is hooked. When the sixteen year old sneezes, the six year old starts the differential diagnosis. I bought the first two seasons on DVD, and ever since, all homework, housework, and writing has ceased, which I guess is bad. But I haven't heard whiny child actors from Nick or Disney programming in weeks, which is good, and we are bonding, which is very good.

Maybe it was the kiss between Hugh and Sela Ward, episode 32, Failure to Communicate, that finally sunk me. Either I have a crush, or I am incredibly appreciative of seeing over 40 passion - no matter how unfulfilled - when it works so well on screen.

"Gosh, you'd think by the end of season one the other doctors wouldn't bother to challenge Dr. House's opinion anymore," I whisper to my daughter.
"Yeah, well, then they wouldn't have a show anymore, I guess," she barely answers.

Neither one of us took our eyes off the screen. You can't miss a second of the show, you see. You can;'t utter a word. Each program is a mystery to solve and you never know when the clues are going to drop.

"We are close to feeling sufficiently satiated," I mention to my sister-in-law. "We are almost all Housed up for a while, thank god."

"Have you seen Heroes?" she asks.

Time Magazine Ick Factor

In its May 14 issue, Time's managing editor Richard Stengel wrote this: "We have Newt Gingrich...writing about why Nancy Pelosi...is a historic figure. Nelson Mandela...talks about why Oprah Winfrey is a hero to him." The pull, um, quote, however reads like this

"The real magic is the pairings. Newt Gingrich on Nancy Pelosi. Nelson Mandela on Oprah."

I must read 25 magazines a month, and the hardest one to stomach is Time, what with all its obvious  pandering for a broad circulation at any cost to integrity and Bible thumping (cover stories alone in the past year include Why We Should Teach the Bible in School, The Opus Dei Code, Does God Want You To Be Rich, and God vs. Science). As for Newt on Nancy and Nelson on Oprah, grow up boys. There was no reason to sensationalize and degrade the original sentences unless you really didn't mean them in the first place.

Justice, Paris Style

I watched Paris get out of whatever suburban subdivision non-hybrid she and her family arrived in - late - for her court appearance yesterday. She adjusted her jacket, smoothed out her trousers. She must have spent hours putting the right outfit together, getting the hair ribbon to lie oh so perfectly.

On your worst day, would you ever want to trade places with anyone stuck inside that vehicle?

So sad. And yes, as this article states, she will probably come out all the more notorious for it. There's just one difference between coming out more notorious and coming out ahead. After the sex tape, many considered her a victim, so she got a ratings lift. Here, however, she chopped her publicist's head off. She blamed another for failing to do something that was her grown-up, big-girl self's own responsibility. So now she just looks ridiculous, petty, and mean. 

She has the money to hang out in Circusville and Trumpland for the rest of her life if she wants, but will she be able to handle a comb-over like the Don?

Ew, ew, ew. Good-bye Paris.

But what, oh what, are we to do with that mom? According to People.com, after the sentence was handed down for Paris' repeated probation violations, Kathy Richards Hilton stormed through the spectator gates up to the attorney tables, yelling, "I can't believe this, I can't believe this," before turning to a prosecutor, calling him pathetic and sarcastically asking for his autograph. This of course got the attention of the courtroom deputies whom Kathy Hilton then treated with a chorus of "Don't you touch me, don't you touch me." Finally, as they left, Kathy declared to the room, "[The judge] made up his mind before he even came in today. If it were anyone else, this would've never had happened."

On that last point, I'd have to agree.  I mean, who else would have ignored obvious warning signs, shown up late for court and not shown any remorse?  Except for Michael Jackson, no one. I've also been wondering lately if the million dollar Hilton Hotel Be Hospitable ad campaign, featuring random acts of kindness, is a corporate reaction to all the bad Paris and Kathy publicity. 

New Beauty, Lesson 2

But does it work?

Really, before contemplating taking out a loan to pay for a cure, what you want to hear is a "yes" or "no" answer to that question. How often we don't get a clear answer - how much we get spun away, actually, makes you think you are watching a figure skating routine at the Olympics. For example, in response to a question about whether light-based therapy works for thinning hair (and hense, whether you might want to buy your own at home version), New Beauty reports:

"In-Office |  Initial studies show that light-based therapy treatments may be effective for stimulating hair growth, and many hair restoration physicians are beginning to use this technology - especially in conjunction with hair restoration surgery - for optimal results."

Here are the tip-offs that people are still scratching their heads on this product and coming away with hairs stuck in their fingernails.  First, I emphasized the word "initial," because the studies have just begun, always a bad sign.  Next, "may" is just half of the phrase "or may not," a truly horrible sign that should signal you to mail your pocketbook to Fort Knox. "Beginning" is just another way to say "initial." And if these guys are using it "in conjunction with" plugs, well, then, um, you can bet that it's the plugs that are working all the mojo here, not the laser beams, to the extent there's any mojo to be had.   

"At Home | Designed for those who desire who desire thicker, fuller, healthier looking hair, the HairMax LaserComb recently gained FDA approval as a medical device, which means it's been tested for safety and outcomes."

What kept my head from popping off was the fact that the "At Home" section did not specifically reference regrowth, only fuller looking hair, which is the only thing this device might get you. Still, the reader has to be careful that in reading about regrowth in the doctor's section, that she does not continue to think "regrowth" when she is reading about the home-use device in the next paragraph. It's kind of a spatial carry-over trick. The article also references the might FDA and "outcomes," which may be enough to convince some to pull out the credit card and plunk down $400 to $700 for one of these LaserCombs, but seeing something like an "FDA" reference should tell you that you that there is now even more information for you to find - instead of a suggestion that you should stop making inquiries or that you should assume that the product does what the ad promises. For example, I next Googleg LaserComb and FDA, I found out what HairMax told the government about its testing process:

"Subjects were  instructed to use the device three times per week...for a total of 26...weeks. Subjects in the LaserComb treatment group had significantly greater increases in mean terminal hair density than subjects in the placebo group. Subjects in the ... LaserComb group also had significantly better subjective assessments of overall hair ... regrowth than subjects in the placebo group. No subject experienced a serious adverse event[.]"

What does this all mean? 1. The laser comb didn't hurt anyone. 2. There wasn't any objective, scientific, measurable proof of hair regrowth. 3. Something about the laser makes the hair thicker.

So, if you want to spend hundreds for fatter hair or for damaged, split-end hair - I don't know why it feels thicker - it may be worth it to you, but at least you won't be expecting the device to help you grow new hair, and that is why it is worth it to learn to read these kind of articles and advertisements.

Lesson No. 2: Hunt for soft words like "may," "subjective," "could," "preliminary," "some," "patients believe," and check government references and scientific studies. 

Think of it as a Highlights for Grownups, where you have to spot the weak links in the promo material.

I did the same thing this morning on one of my favorite products, shea butter. Take the following language on shea butter that I got from this report:

"Clinical observations suggest that shea butter increases local capillary circulation, which in turn increase tissue re-oxygenation and improves the elimination of metabolic waste products. It has anti-oxidizing and regenerating properties due to its richness in tocopherols, and other substances. French dermatologists tested 35 people, of different age, sex and racial backgrounds, for a period of ten days to 5 months, with shea butter for skin disorders ranging from dry and wrinkled skin to serious burns, rashes. They observed substantial healing in all cases, with no adverse effects."

"Suggest" is kind of like the word "may" in that it really doesn't prove anything.  Itgets a scientists looking in a direction, an elbow, so to speak, to conduct further tests, but is hardly evidence. Of course, following that up with the phrase "in-turn" is a problem because "in turn" requires that the first part of the sentence be true, which, as discussed, it is not. Suddenly we are looking at a mansion built on sand.

The paragraph is also a good example of  inadequate study and control numbers. Jeebus, 35 people is nothing, and that problem is compounded by the fact that everybody is different in age, skin condition, race, you name it. If you don't remember the word "control" from science class in high school, look it up. Each test should have one variable and the rest should be as controlled as possible.

But do I care about this so much with this product? No. Why? I buy it from Africa for about $25.   I used it all Winter and my skin was the softest it has ever been after a long, dry, cold winter. It may not do a thing for my capillaries, but I think it keeps my skin soft, it doesn't cost a fortune, and I am not going into it blindly.

See, I have a feeling we are all just a little bit tired of being told what decisions we are supposed to be making, you know, like whether we should get a face lift or a tummy tuck, whether we should go gray or search for inner peace instead.  We each have the ability to make our own decisions, what we feel comfortable doing, what we can afford, when or whether we should start, and if we start, then when we should stop. Those are personal decisions. Some make sense, some may not. When my decisions don't quite make sense, I'm ok with that as long as I know I'm being ridiculous.

But don't try to sell me snake-oil. And shame on me more if I let you sell it to me.

New Beauty Magazine And How To Read It, Lesson 1

What with all my spoiled brat, whiny vacation postings, I have drifted away from my normal business of looking at product offerings and commenting on what might actually help keep our faces and bodies in shape as we age. I was reminded of my omissions in a most startling manner when I saw an issue of New Beauty magazine in the Denver airport.

I swear I spotted the cover from half a newsstand away. It looked like it promised a new miracle cure for everything age-related. The inside, however, reminded me more of tired, snake-oil promises in pretty new packaging.

The presentation was so slick, in fact, that I recommend that everyone over 25 pick up a copy of the magazine and use it as a textbook to train herself in the fine art of detecting science double speak, the potential for a conflict of interest, and marketing hyperbole and over-promise. It's kind of fun, actually, and once you get the hang of it, you can feel a lot more comfortable knowing that what you will spend money on will work, you will feel a lot more comfortable asking questions.

In this issue, for example, the reader is introduced to the Board of Advisors, a number of doctors, including plastic surgeons, dermatologists, and dentists, who are there - the magazine's editor assures us - to make sure that the information contained in the substantive articles is accurate. The list reads impressive, and without having to get anywhere near a computer with an internet search engine I recognized the names of doctor advisors from some of the products gracing the first few pages of advertising:  Perricone, Brandt, and Alster.

To be fair, their is nothing wrong in having an advisor flip so much over a magazine that they decide to heavily invest in an advertising campaign; nothing wrong with just being just so darn recognized in the field that regardless of how much one's product is advertised already, any magazine would be honored to have that person on its board.  But neither is their anything wrong with a consumer being armed with the understanding that (a) doctors are human and (b) greed is a condition of being human. 

So, Lesson No. 1 is:  Question What Might Be Motivating the Quote from the Good Doctor.  His or her own practice's bottom line? His or her own product line? Their university's research grant? Absolute honest conviction? It might be tough nowadays to be completely independent from financial ties and end-result concerns, but as a first line of inquiry, I trust most the medical associations and the medical school tests findings because they are subjected to internal peer review. If a doctor is being quoted as supporting or opposing any type of product or procedure, you may want to consider doing some research to find out if that doctor has stock ownership in the company involved in the tests, the drug, the lotion, the potion, the lab - you know what I mean.  Let me put it another way. Take yourself out of the hospital corridor where your mind's eye has you walking, and plant yourself firmly in the carnival midway, which is where we all really stand most of the time anyway and ask yourself this: Is there a financial connection between the doctor and the OTC potion, and now, do you still feel as optimistic about handing over half your monthly net income for that wrinkle cream?

Sometimes I can imagine those creams getting rubbed into somebody's Rolls Royce, instead.