Looking Like Your Mother

I Always Wanted a Pony

I tested it. I researched it. I walked away from it. For six months, I patiently waited for my interest to go away. It did not. So yesterday, I bought it, the iGallup.

The man behind the counter at Brookstone turned to his co-worker and said, "Hey, I sold an iGallup!" and then I felt like the biggest chump e-v-e-r.

And an even bigger one when I came home and found this Japanese ad.

But chumpiness really knows no bounds, because when I finally had the nerve to admit to my office mates that had I bought a horse, I heard this;

1. Laughter
2. "You could put it in your front window, and put a slot machine by it for quarters"
3. "Did they throw in a cowboy hat with the deal?"
4. "Just when I thought you had run out of dumb things to get into . . . "
5. "Next time we're at the Broncin' Buc, I am putting ALL my money on you."

We don't have a Broncin Buc. I going home, pulling a big blanket over my head as I sit on new dumb exercise machine, and think very hard about what I just did.

Current Activity

I have been on the road and out of the country.  This almost always gives me fodder for posts, but I am also exploring an intense gym routine to help me beat the annual Jan/Feb/March slump.  This year, I thought I would try something different.  No wine, and hoodia gordonii pills from Hoodoba Pure, the gym 5 times a week, Centrum Silver chewables, Flintstones chewables, Nature Made Vitamin C chewables, the cursed MBT boots I will love forever, and a Nano loaded with exercise music from 70's hair bands to country to alternative to hip hop to showtunes to OC soundtrack - whatever it is that inspires me to move my ass. I don't know how long this combo will last, but already it has seriously interfered with research, writing, and surfing.

On the other hand, I feel like a million bucks and my body is springing back like the rubber band that it is.

The hoodia is the strangest thing.  You don't really feel anything.  There is no over caffeinated sensation or sweats or nausea or irritability.  In fact, one person who was trying it for me said, "I don't feel anything so I am not going to continue."  After a few days I felt some intestinal cramping, but I cannot conclusively associate it with the herb. A couple of swigs of pepto bismal quieted everything down.   On the other hand, I - a confirmed grazer - have found myself actually forgetting about food for many hours at a time, and after being on the hoodia for two weeks now, I don't experience any cramping.

There is no substitute for exercise.  I recommend that whatever goofball thing that inspires you, give in to it.  Nothing sets me apart more than my aircraft carrier headphones that plug into the smaller than a credit card Nano. It looks ridiculous in these days of bluetooth and microsets.  But I have impossibly small ears (regular headphones pop out all the time) and my style headphone drowns out extraneous noise. Like whining kids.  No wait. There is another thing that sets me apart. I do that speedwalking thing on the treadmill with my con-job marketed "anti cellulite" boots. To the folks on the stairmasters and elliptical trainers set up behind the treadmills, my butt must look like a sack of cats, but I try to put it out of my mind.  The spring in those boots make me feel like Tigger, and between that and the music, the whole experience makes me feel like a million bucks.  Cats or no cats.  None of my goofiness matters. Because at the end of the day, it is the sweat and the seriousness that speaks the loudest.  The only thing that really matters is whether your exercise routine gives you self-confidence and blood in your cheeks.

It can take a lot of experimenting to find the thing that inspires you.  Before my last child, I was a freak for roller blading.  Now somewhere along the line I seem to have lost my stomach for the risk. Since then I have buried a trampoline in my back yard (if I fall off, I won't be falling so far) and have found peace of mind and a sound sleep through speedwalking.   I used to shoot basketballs into a garage hoop when I was a kid.  (It's amazing what a kid will find to do without 300 channels to choose from or play dates. Not all of it is bad.)   I started doing it again this year, and am now hooked.  It is one of the few activities that actually makes me break out into a sweat. But enough about me. The point is:

Just never stop.

Hot and Sweaty, Yeah Baby

Going from Athleta, reviewed here, to the Boston Proper Sport catalog is one hilarious jump.  I traveled from serious, sharp, trendy, innovative excercise gear into pages full of Victoria Secret model wannabes.  Ok, I won't blame the models.  The layout was ridiculous, with beautiful and built women oiled, spray-on tanned, and provocatively posed in athletic clothes. 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with enjoying sports and enjoying sex or being sexy.  It just seemed odd. For me, sports is about, well, me and my body and making it perform, for me.  In the BP pages, the women were obviously swinging a racquet just to pass the time before the pro was done and the two could hook up in the locker room.  It probably didn't help that most tops were unzipped or otherwise open to expose big boobs barely covered by a sports bra.  Is it faulty recollection, but didn't Mia Hamm get a bunch of garbage about that just a few years ago?  I guess it wouldn't have been a problem if she had been oiled and a Double D. 

Very funny.

Excercise Clothes 2006

I cannot get past page 7 of the Athleta catalog and I want to write.  At page 7 I also begin to suspect that Nike may have met its match.  An underwire in a cami workout.  Brilliant.  Velaciter tennis clothes that look like tennis gear should in this century - instead of the dance gear in gold glitter promoted this past winter by Nike.  Cross t-s with shelf bras that look lightweight but sturdy just enough.  The colors, the cut, the styles, the support - almost an impossible combination.  It cannot be true, but I it sure looks like it is.

Let's face it.  You walk into any Niketown and behold:  three floors for men, one for women.  Get serious.  It has annoyed me for a few years now, and maybe the lack of proper focus is beginning to show.  Hey, don't get me wrong. I bought a lot of Nike this year, to see how it holds up, to see how it looks on, to see how others react.  The truth is, however, the clothes looked more like stylin' street jams than something you would spend a serious work out in. We haven't even gotten to the more casual looking workout clothes, once referred to as yoga gear. Or the bathing suits you can actually swim, surf, water polo, play in.  Hey, forty is starting to feel very far ago, and I would still rather body surf than set the timer and turn every 30 minutes.  There is also climbing gear, but I never overcame my fear of heights.  Or my fear of death.

Go there. Enjoy.  .

MBT

Second day with the scamming, bogus boogie woogie shoes, the hiking boot version. My cellulite is hanging in there. I don't understand. I spent a fortune and it has been two whole days.

Tomorrow I pull out the Donna Summer tapes and embarass myself on the parkway. 

Life is short.  Be visible. 

Stella McCartney

I have been watching this next generation designer since reading about her as I stood in a car showroom,  about seven years ago, seeing what low end car I could never afford.  "Oh, well," I thought. "Another famous person's kid who wants to be a designer."

What she has done with sportwear from Adidas - well, let me say, you must see this stuff.  Even for swimming. I just crossed over into fan land. 

Saving the Spine

Physically, I was blessed with great genes. Balance, coordination, eyesight, strength, body part ratios: I was lucky.   Since adding a third child to the mix, however, there has been no time for any kind of regular training.  My core muscles got weak and then everything else started to fall apart too. I would do things as I always did, only now I would end up hurt.  It was like I had Popeye arms and Olive Oil's torso.  Last November my right upper leg, from the glut to the knee started to go numb.  I lost half the strength in my upper arm.  As I have reported before, I began to believe I had this terrible wasting disease. (Actually, in more sedate moments, I was merely concerned that my piriformis muscle had somehow learned to irritate the sciatic nerve because I felt no pain from the spine to the butt, however that possible diagnosis is a bit of a sleeper.)  Plus, I hate prescription analgesics; about the only medicine I will not take. They make me sleepy and nauseous.  So I was alternating large doses of aspirin, Tylenol, and Motrin/Advil, a kind of landscaper's cocktail.

"If it were your piriformis, I could not do this," my physical therapist said, rotating my leg and hip back and forth, like a swinging door. "I suspect it is a disc. Strengthen you abdominals and sit on a balance ball at the computer.  Lift the computer up off the desk so you are not pinching your neck. And never, ever cross your legs when working. You are out of alignment and everything is pulling everything else the wrong way."

Within two weeks I was pain free. No really. It's weird.  You get to a stage in life and you begin to wonder, "Am I at a stage in life where this will feel like this forever?" and then panic. Yeah, panic. You will.  So now I am a big believer in these balance balls.  I just wish they were not so stupid looking.  (As a back up in my office, I have a chair set too high for me.  I sit in it and my feet are off the ground, so it helps.)

My first balball was from Gaiam.  They make a chair that the ball sits into, but that kind of defeats the purpose for me. The strengthening and realignment is actually accomplished by being forced to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground for 15 hour work days. Maybe folks with solid core strength don't need to play "sit up straight" as strictly as I.  Anyway, my Gaiam got a hole in it.  I mean, I suppose anything is possible in this house, but my new Reebok version seems made of much stronger material. I did not find anything on Consumer Reports, but  About.Com has a lot of product available to review, if nothing else.  You could explore their list.

Be warned.  The instruction is either dvd or vhs; and the pump, whether foot or hand, is killer weak.  Look around enough to make sure you get the right size ball.  It is based on your height.  Make adjustments if you are predominantly more long legged or long-torsoed. 

Someone thinks a balball is necessary for kids.  Don't kids run around and play anymore? 

Excercise For the Less Inclined

I am still in the hunt for the perfect winter coat, but this post is about what Butt Cheeks was supposed to start:  exercise for the less inclined. 

I hate running.  I feel like I am pushing a wheelbarrow of cement about.  Oh, I like it fine if I get motivated, stick with it for more than three days, and have something extremely mental that I am trying to counter with a solid killer physical workout.  Then I can run for a long time and over a long period.  But the last time I had that luxury was three kids ago.  Never, after them, did I have a consistent block of time that I could count on with any degree of regularity to stick with what is for me such an intense program.  So to stay in shape, I have three outlets.  Two are older, one is new again to me. 

1.  Music.

I love music. I love to dance. I never get asked to go dancing anymore, but I digress, because dancing is not the point.  If music motivates you to move, then get your favorite music on some type of portable music device, and turn it up.  If you have an exercise device available, maybe you will get inspired to use it. If not, try your own aerobics routines.  At the very least, buy a mini trampoline.  (Or use a full size outdoors one if that is an option.) The trampoline allows you to exercise without too much trauma to knees, ankles and hips, and you can listen to music without fear of getting hit by a large vehicle - and without fear of being seen and heard.  The mini-tramps are inexpensive, easy to store, and involves easy motions. Just gently run in place. With the music - and enough variations of your favorites - it does not get boring.  Best of all, you get to escape without leaving the house.

2.  Roller Blades

WAIT - don't say, "Puh!"  This is not some 90's revival thing.  The trick here is to find a high school track with a spongy surface - not cinder, not asphalt -  the new surface that is hard, but has a soft give to it.  They are all over the place, and if you put on a pair of blades and work up to skating around (with music of course) 4 times (one mile) your legs, arms and waist will love you.  It is hard - the softness of the track gives you an incredible resistance.  But not too hard - it is impossible to fall, but if you do, no damage. 

3.  Cycling.

Not the fancy pants kind. The instead of using the car all the time kind.

I will explain.

Body Image

Two pieces recently crossed my path, and I took the coincidence as something more than that.  Nigella Lawson, who caught my attention years ago with a simple linguine, butter, Parmesan, egg, and lemon zest recipe for my kind of soul food, insisted that life didn't get good until your twenties and at least part of your thirties were behind you - even if literally, as in on your ass.

Eve Ensler, in talking about her stomach, tells us, "It has become my tormentor, my most serious committed relationship. It has protruded through my clothes, my confidence and my ability to work."  Ms. Ensler is the creator of the Vagina Monologues, and is now on to another Broadway production, "The Good Body."

We each have at least one body part that we wish we could do something about.  As long as I can remember wishing, I wished for skinny stick legs.  The kind of legs other kids had in 2nd grade that would extend out of white go-go boots with little more substance than a 2nd grade chalkboard stick.  I stood in line, waiting dutifully for the school doors to open.  The lucky girls would have stick legs and go-go boots. I had thick, athletic, run the fastest in the class legs stuck mortifyingly into saddle shoes. 

Skinny jeans.  Micro-minis. Fishnet stockings.  I was still a kid, but I could see that fashion would never be kind to me.  There was no J Lo suggesting that substance could have its own place, too. 

Scandinavian Shocker

Scandinavians are tall and thin because, in part, they do not overeat. They have a diet rich in fish, hard grains, and cheese. Not much garbage. I read an article on the shortening of Americans. It described one theory that increased fat in a young girl sends signals to the brain that triggers the onset of menstruation, which in turn shortens the growth time (ending generally within two years after the first period). The significantly taller Swedish girls had an average onset age of 17 at the time of the study, while in American it was around 13. (So if you starve your elementary school daughter, she will be very very tall?)

Good if I could find the article.

Anyway, my point was supposed to be that there are a lot of reasons why Scandinavian women may appear to be in such good shape. I am not convinced, however, that Bailine can take the credit. It is hard to get any type of information out of their site, beyond whom to contact for a sales pitch, but it appears to be a Norwegian company that sells franchises to operate "computer-controlled exercise simulators." I think they mean electronic muscle stimulators such as those sold by Body Shapers International.

A reader asked if I had heard of Bailine. I had not. However 15 years ago I used to drive across the border to a great body shop in Canada where they performed all sorts of treatments one couldn't get without a doctor's supervision in the States. It was a great salon. I went primarily because I had this patch of cellulite on my left thigh I had had since puberty and I was willing to try anything to make it go away. They ran a vacuum hose over the area, slapped me in big puffy airbag boots to drain fluid. It was expensive and equally inefficient, but space age and thrilling. On a whim I tried the EMS therapy once or twice. Ditto. Does it work? Yes it works. It works on your muscles. It strengthens them and can repair them. It seems, however, that any claim of sculpting is a bit optimistic.

I took my investigation out on the street. "Hey guys," I asked a young athlete and a middle-aged athlete. "Does EMS actually work or is it total hype."

Young guy, "Yeah it works."
Middle-aged guy, "Well, it works along with the rest of a solid work out. You still have to exercise and eat right. You can't sit in front of the tv all day with it on and expect it to do anything, but it's not total bull if that is what you are asking."

I guess that is what I was asking.

So there you have it. Sounds like the perfect device for keeping those muscles going as long as you also swim or bike or walk or do aerobics. Put it on your Christmas list. I am. Then I am going to stick those electrodes all over my ass, turn the voltage up, and dance like a marionette.

Google of the day, "Bailine & Blog"
Troy&Gay.Com (Troy's last name)
Mouth Soup Stories (Bailine believer)