Looking Like Your Mother

Beach Nut Case

I scared people on my last trip, showing up on regattas and at beaches and resort pools in UV protection swim wear. People stared, not even bothering to look away when I caught them staring. Most of me was terribly embarrassed. I work hard to look as good as time, nature, and the most excellent team of medical professionals that the lack of an expense account or retainer will allow. So looking dykish and waterlogged, well, sucked big time. But I had one trick that kept me going and I’ll share it with you in a second. But first, a little something about the outfit:

I chose a royal blue Cwear Australian, skin-tight legging from Solartex, a sunny yellow Solumbra full Zip Surf Shirt top from the SunPrecautions catalog, and two hats: the Stingray Nomad Hat from Solartex and the Solumbra Balaclava. (I could never bring myself to wear the balaclava. It turned me into an ugly man-nose.) I wanted the dark blue bottoms and hot pink top, but went with the colors of the Swedish flag to keep my Scandinavian hubby mildly amused.

Everywhere we turned up I would be in pants and jacket, face slathered in screen. Then, when it became clear that I could no longer hide in the shade of tree, umbrella or boat sail, I would don the hat. It was then that people would give up any pretense of ignoring me. I would swim, drink, or don snorkel equipment and hang with family, looking the idiot for a few hours until the hot equator sun had passed its most dangerous points.

Then I would disrobe. Long wet blonde hair and a bikini underneath all that gear wasn't the worst marketing for smart but odd clothing.

But would I do it again? I began looking through catalogs for cabanas and parasols. I asked the family afterwards, "So how bad was it, being stuck with me?"

1.    It's kind of the hat that kills it.

2.    As long as you are holding a snorkel or fin, you look like a pro at something and it is cool.

Someday I'm gonna be a pro at something.

But Who's Gonna See My Tramp Stamp?

High waisted jeans talked about at the Observer. Fine. I'll go. I'll try on. I'll start looking for suspenders and dreaming of a curly perm.

Or I'll just save my money for DD implants implants - you know for spillover boobs, the new muffin top.

Rabalder

The site does not have a translator, but I shop two or three times a year at Rabalder, and whatever I buy there gets me big attention. Soft, sexy, feminine and sophisticated - a can't miss combination. Take your time going through the offerings though - that's the trick. Some of the patterns are decidedly Swedish and may or may not work for you - but most succeed because the freshness translates across all jurisdictions. The line for kids works, too, without making little him or her look overly preppy. Kids looked loved and cared for without looking starched. Don't worry about the words, play around on the site and see what pops up. If you call a phone number, someone will switch to English in .5 of a second.

Liz Claiborne 1029 - 2007

Stan Herman, a former president of the Council of Fashion Designers of America said that although Anne Klein is largely credited as the godmother of the American sportswear movement, Claiborne did it on a grander scale and brought it to the masses.

What I liked most was Claiborne's take on time and shopping. She had a child, she had a job, she didn't have a lot of time to spend trying to put together outfits that looked feminine yet professional, and she couldn't find a ready-made solution.

So she designed them herself, for us.

Lilly Pulitzer Pheranomes

While at the Arizona resort, I noticed a fresh hole in my little girl's bathing suit. I had also discovered when packing that she had outgrown all of last summer's dress clothes. The only shop at the hotel that carried a children's line was a Lilly Pulitzer boutique. We were able to get a new bathing suit, a skirt and a knit halter top, for only, oh, I don't know, about $7,365.

"I don't get it," I said when I got back to the office. "What is the allure of this look? The colors are too bright and the patterns are ugly. I mean, what guy in his right mind is going to walk up to a woman in a bright green and pink massively oversized paisley patterned sun-dress. Ballet flats with a hornet motif? Is this supposed to be precious? I actually can appreciate a nice madras pattern, but a madras pattern that is a whole lot of different madras patterns pieced together like a quilt?"

"You don't understand," an officemate said. "It's the Call of the Wild for the blue bloods. They recognize the line and then understand that the person wearing it is likely to be someone they can take home to mother. Men can spot if from across the room."

Could that be true? I thought men only saw red and breasts, two colors noticeably absent from Lily's summer catalog.

Pure Stress

I spent so much time studying fashion trends the past few years that I discovered something truly disgusting three weeks ago.

I have nothing to wear.

I am stuck in this purgatory of being able to accept as suitable that which I cannot imagine spending the money to buy. It's like being a director at the MOMA, but because of other more pressing needs you can only really justify popping for Elvis on velvet paintings for your own apartment. And because life with Elvis is funny for only about three minutes, you live with empty walls instead.

I live with an empty closet right now.

It can't stay that way, but I am not quite sure how to resolve the situation since inheritance or getting into a sample size 0 aren't likely options. I guess I could start sewing my own clothes again. God, cause that wouldn't be too funny.

Back at the Met

Finding Nan Kempner's show such wonderful fodder for my overactive imagination, I cannot wait to see how the Costume Institute treats the works and memory of Paul Poiret,  the self-proclaimed King of Fashion. He could not sew but somehow managed to come up with the bra, anyway. 

Bathing Suits

I was scrolling through generic bikini offerings for the season when I came across the Nicolita line. Some of the pieces are glam retro worth working out hard to look good in, and they stand out from the crowd, so I guess you kind of have to work out hard to look good in them.

It's tough to figure out what fantasy to play this year at the kiddie pool. I mean, do I want to be the island goddess seductress in the green XOXO baladi tankini with beaded hipster bottom? That's a good look to pair with our collection of SpongeBob towels. Or maybe the classic aqua Ralph Lauren crochet bikini because I guess the last time I wore one of those aviator glasses were in style, too.  I still have the dimensions for a bikini, but the accessories have sort of shifted, so I might have to put the RL on hold until I get new breasts.

I didn't filter away my wish for new breasts the other night. "I need new boobs," I said out loud to myself, not realizing who was in the room with me.

"How do you do that?" the six year old asked.

"I don't know. Old socks and glue, I think."

Then I tried to look away while she just stopped and thought. I really should take a refresher course in parenting.

My Bad

I finally gave in to the skinny jeans in a big way, with a pair of light blue Lucky's and a pale orange from Urban Outfitters. Within a week I spot a woman looking all sophisticated and turning heads in an indigo denim boot cut. The same style showed up on Cate Blanchett in People, with the headline suggestion that skinny is on its way out. I knew this would happen. I knew that the second I would buy them - whenever that was to be - that the temporary insanity of the unflattering style would end. It's ok. I'm laughing 'cause I knew better. I'm just thinking that I should have done it sooner and done a lot of people a favor.

Really, I think I will complete my summer look with an off-the-shoulder white peasant blouse and stilettos and tell everyone I got lost on my way to the casting call for Grease.

Gosh, Irene, What Do They Call Them New-Fangled Things, Mannequins?

IconNicholson has found a way to allow you to try on a virtual dress at a department store, and then reach out to other connected folks for comment. I like the idea, although because I always shop alone, I may be a statistical outlier. I never completely trust the motives of the people normally in my entourage: the mom who thinks everything costs too much, the child wanting me to spend on myself so I will spend on her, the husband just wanting to go home so buy something already. I end up relying more on the stranger on the street or the girl behind the counter who can't seem to help but say, "Oh, I like that," or "Where did you get that?" Then I know it is a keeper.  Anyway, this virtual technology could help avoid some of the pitfalls of physically shopping with others.   

So with all the potential for even oddballs such as I, why is this so heavily marketed  only to youth on IN's site. Five references to "youth" or "teen" in almost as many paragraphs of markety-speak, six, if you count the phrase, "digi-savvy." Gosh, my age-challenged buddies are likely to be online, answer a cell phone, get excited over the tech. Why the exclusion?

Here's some marekty-speak I approve:  Blend it, guys. Blend it.