Bruise Therapy

Sienna Miller claims that if there is a lamppost within 30 feet of her, she will find a way to walk into it. I myself suffer an unusually large number of injuries involving cooking utensils, thick paper cuts from blow-in cards, and bruising. The wind bruises my body.

If upon feeling pain I can run to the freezer and grab a bag of frozen peas and tie it to the offended spot with an ace bandage, I can limit the purplishness by a few centimeters. But if I am out of veggies or out of the house, forget it. "Maybe you suffer from osnvliwuewoiehrlskd," somebody said to me once, but I couldn't make out the layperson's diagnosis. I prefer to think that Sienna and I are twins.

I just picked up a product called Restoral. If I take the pineapple plant stalk-based bromelain extract pills and rub a magic arnica/Vit E and emu oil mixture on the site, I am supposed to heal. The system is designed to limit post-surgical bruising.

I don't think there are enough emus in the world to supply me and I certainly don't want any to die for the sake of one of my clutz moves. Do you suppose they just milk the emus?

"Even for non-surgical patients, this product is a huge hit," the sales rep swore. "It's great for boxing and wrestling and ... "

"... a good gust of wind," I finished in silence.