Have you seen the ads for the Norelco Bodygroom? The website is pretty funny, but what was really striking were the print ads, which simply showed two kiwis, one shaved smooth. Not quite the look I'm after, but in the interests of science we've-uh- road-tested the product, and can report that it is superior to anything else we've tried in pursuit of the dolphin look. This toy is a foil electric for those places where smooth is the goal, mounted between two clippers, for the spots where a trim is the look you want. The clippers work best on brush that's dry, but the foil razor is most effective if you lather up. The directions are pretty explicit: this piece of equipment is for use below the neck only. Best of all, it does not feature the signature Norelco three rotary head configuration, which means I'm not thinking about those creepy elves from Rudolf when I'm in the shower. Not that I ever did, you understand....
It had been a while, so I thought I'd better go in for an eye exam. Far things were blurry, and close things were blurry, so it came as little surprise when the doctor told me there had been some changes. Your eyes never change for the better-- you know, you don't suddenly get X-Ray vision, or even decent vision. "What's the bottom line Doc?". "Well, you're going to need reading glasses," he said.
Now, as soon as the words escaped his lips, a thought popped into my head. It began with an "F" and it ended with a "that", but I didn't say it. Instead I controled myself, and said, "I don't want reading glasses. I'd be a trainwreck. What's Plan B?"
He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. "Look, Doctor, I'm not going to carry around reading glasses. I'll lose them, I'll never have them when I need them. I don't wear shirts with pockets, and when I do, if I put glasses in them they'd fall out. I don't want reading glasses-- they don't fit into my active yet cerebral lifestyle."
He was not helpful. "I don't think they make bifocal contacts in your prescription," he started (and why don't you know? Isn't knowing that your job? Am I supposed to know? No! Knowing that is your job!) "Your current lenses under correct. That's why you can still read, but have trouble with distance."
I am not happy about this. Two years into contact lenses means that I am two years into never having glasses fog, or smudge. I can buy sunglasses at will. I don't have to deal with the hundreds of stupid things that go wrong with glasses-- the little screws, the plastic nosepiece that falls off, the bending out of shape.....
I'm not ready to go back. I'm not going to go back.